Made SA's best midwives

INTERNATIONAL BREAKING NEWS: Believe it or not, Izz delivered a bouncy cool baby gal at 12h30 today in his bedroom in Pretoria, South Africa. The mindboggling experience saw him lose his mind out of shock n the instincts kicking in. Reports say that he was fed sugar water to calm him down from the shock n desbelief. Other reports confirm that Mphoentle Tinyiko Mlambo n her mother are safe and resting in hospital. SAPA.

Well, that's the SMS sent on Saturday evening from my phone whilst still shaking from disbelief of the events that unfolded during the day. As I sat in the taxi to home, from hospital, I couldn't believe that I'd just delivered my own baby daughter. I had no previous experience, nor training in midwifery or First Aid. But of course, it follows naturally that I intend enrolling for a First Aid course urgently, as I had that plan, but I felt no urgency.

I would relay the incident of the delivery of the baby, but I am not going to as one of my friends, Cynthia, was upset slightly by the details I had been giving out to her. She simply logged off as I was busy relaying the gore of the day. Her reasons, that it's not fair on her as she still has to make love to her to her future hubby and to bare kids - go through the labour. So for the reasons of not discouraging other young women from child birth, the natural one of push and more push that is, I shall keep it to myself.

But, one of my friends tells me she is scared to death of blood, any amount of blood. Well, I am glad she was not Talia, my daughter, on that Saturday. Talia, poor baby, had to see it all start from one small scream, to countless supersonic screams from her mommy as she was popping out the baby. The baby who by the way, kept showing her head to say hi daddy, and then retreating back to her nine-months vacation environment. And finally, after I decided the medics may not be here now, I asked my wife to not pull back the newbie anymore but to push full force as I pull the tiny head fully covered with black hair. That's, ironically, when the water only broke and burst like a fountain to the direction of poor screaming Talia, at this time, her hands over her head, screams louder than her mommies and the music - at the start of the screams, I put the hi-fi volume up so as to not disturb or annoy my extremely racist neighbours - who have a tendency of calling the security on us (once though - but am still pissed off for that, topic for another discussion).

So yes, there were three people in the room, all in panic, and suddenly there were four, one with heavy screams, the other with sharp ear-shuttering screams and the other with soft, almost silent cute cry that said: The world, here I am to kick butt big time, for the next 80 (odd) years. Talia was screaming mainly cos of the blood - too much even for me to bare. I am still struggling with cleaning the sheet back to their original colour as my wife is incapacitated at the moment - more like resting from the five hour gore. Talia was delivered in exactly 17hours but my wife tells, amidst the height of the pains, me the pains were not as extreme as the four ones.

Interestingly, the first thing Talia said, almost immediately following her loud sharp screams were: Aaah papa, nana!, as I held the baby and wrapped her in a towel. Talia rushed to see the pretty cutie bundle as if she was not screaming moments ago. As for me, well, I would have screamed if I could, but was too scared to as I kept thinking of the delayed ambulance and what I would do if push came to shove - it already gone passed that as the head of the baby was starting to be visible. Why hadn't we called the ambulance earlier, well, my wife refused as she knows for a fact, after being told and being witness, that at Pretoria Academic Hospital they turn away preggies whose water hasn't broken. So she kept on saying, 'babes not yet, no'. I think she had anticipated the gore to last 17hours less 5 or so. Well, I called the ambulance anyways, although it was already too late as they found the baby lying there, umbilical cord in place, for nearly 15min and just playing with her hands and feet.

That's one of the most life changing experiences in my small life. Something that I had never anticipated happening to me at all. Next time it happens, not with my wife of course, I will be equipped to deal with it professionally as I will have concluded my Advanced First Aid course. As with my wife, brains flew out my head and I was only acting on instinct. And the guide, I don't know where it came from, but I suddenly had the insight of asking my wife, whilst she was screaming and pushing, what happened and what the procedure was with Talia's delivery. Although, I swear I couldn't hear a word of what she was saying cos of double screams - hers and Talia's - I followed some of her instructions.

Mother and baby safe and fit at home as I write this. And Mphoentle Tinyiko Mlambo taught me a lesson about preparation right at her first second of arrival. No doubt she is here to kick butt big time.

PS: Many more 'firsts' to come from Izz.

for pics: www.flickr.com/photos/izzyone