Don't fight your own

The only best people you have are those that your heart chose to attach to. And even more specific, your life partner or your very best of friends. We get pissed off sometimes by people's behaviours and repetitive mistakes, but that all combines to make us what we simply are: human. And to fight our own, to fight those that you hold closest to your heart is not really doing much good, except when our motive is to better things up. But in most cases, we fight to protect our point of view or just to prove another wrong.

I once got caught up in a series of irrelevant fights that were extremely fruitless. And because I was in fight mode, it took me longer to realise that the damage being done didn't justify the fight. That I was eating away at the foundations of something precious, something I could barely be happy without. And it was all because I wanted my personal, individualistic prefereneces to prevail. No, it shouldn't work like that. At least ideally. It should work on a compromise where possible.

Fighting your own is in fact fighting yourself. Because those we love are a reflection of us in so many ways. As varied in characters as we may be, the gist is the same or similar at least. That's why we tick with some people and not at all with others. The distress of fighting your own is not worth the distraction from the nurturing of the relationship and the destruction of the trust and reliance. Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance. Your own people or partner, may in fact be the one running for your rescue when you're in deep waters unable to ride the raging high tide. And then they pull you out.

In short, embrace your own and find ways that are more amicable to deal with the others shortcomings and to manicure some of your narcistic preferrences. After all, you yourself are not perfect, you're just human. Don't fight your own.

_Email this to a friend by clicking on the 'envelope' below_

Take your relationship for service

In life, anything that gets used (that has utility) needs to be serviced. It needs to be serviced especially to avoid a point where it needs to be fixed. For things that need fixing are broken things. And when things are broken, like your car, they need major major service, new parts and longer work time - and the bill is denting. I wonder then, if relationships, since they do 'serve' a purpose - as in they get used - ever need service. Or whether we wait for a break-down and get reminded that we should have been servicing them all along every so much distance to avoid an expensive and dirty overhaul.

It hit me last morning that relationships, like cars and everything else we use or depend on for our life during our days, need service. And as part of that service, they need energy injected constantly in them to carry on for the next few hundred kilometers before another service.

I was thinking last night about what could make (or already makes) good service for a relationship. I won't claim to get it right. But on recalling my observations from different conversations and go-abouts, I figured the following qualifies, at least, as good service depending on whether the relationship is of lovers or just-friends:

• Going out together. Be it for a walk, eating out, partying, visits and shopping - call it taking out the relationship for a fresh breeze.
• A no-nonesense period, say a week, a month or may be less or longer, depending on where the relationship is. A no-nonesense period could mean that during that period, all the troubles, the baggage, the bad and the ugly (if any) don't show up at the door at all. Only peaceful time gets to dance. Here's a metaphor: When people mourn, they respect that time and keep all the over-excitement and shouts off. In reverse, with a no-nonesense period, all the smiles come out - deliberately. After such a period, you may be so revitalised that there may be no need for going back to square one.
• A nonesense day. All the baggage, as opposed to the no nonesense period, comes out (more like you bring it out). All that which was held inside and hidden and not communicated, has a platform to take the spotlight and shine. Then, as it is about to shine, it gets panelbeated before bed time. No panelbeating, no sleep 'til morning comes. Call it a forced clean sweep - spring cleaning the relationship throghout the four seasons.
• Conspire against monotony. Anything that gets overused in the same way over and over again, bends in a certain direction and takes one dimension. And to bend it back to any other direction, you need to break it. At that point, you may be breaking a once beautifully adored relationship. How about conspiring to break the monotony all the time instead. Otherwise, "I find that we have become boring and I think we need change in our lifes. I've found someone. They make me laugh the way you use to". Ooops! I guess as humans, we are creatures of variety and change, as much as we are of habit.
• Install an external mechanic to the relationship. When all 'shit hits the fan' so hard that egos and personal pride cloud common sense in resolving issues, then take the relationship to the external mechanic who will obviously bring in a fresh and different view on the issue. And from that, things may cool down.
  
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  "Judge of a man by his questions, rather than by his answers." - Voltaire

Preservation grows better relationships

I was having a great time in the village with my kids and the wife and my parents. It was fun and fulfulling. But one thing that lingers on in my mind even in this strange hours of the night is an unsettling mention by my father. As we circled the fire for some warmth, he mentioned that a buddy of mine has just divorced. He married a mere 12 plus months ago. I'm talking youth couple here. And being in a youth marriage, something like that concerns me - especially if it hits so close to home.

I married young. I was 24 and my wife was 22. It was exactly a year ago (yesterday). And it was ironic that my father's mention coincided with the eve of my marriages anniversary. With that in mind I did some serious thinking about what I have to do in order to avoid the misfortune that miscarried my buddies marriage.

Everytime I think of my relationship with my wife, or with anyone of prime and platinum importance in my life, I think of preservation. Everytime I have a shortfall in my relationships, I always tell the other party that "fine, we have to do this. Fight and all that is. But let the ground rule. The guiding principle be one. That whatever craziness comes of the fight. However ugly it turns out to be. We must agree that this relationship is being preserved. That after the war. After the fight. Preservation prevails. The relationships must still stay. Then let's go. Round one please.

And surprisingly, we would fight knowing that at the end of it all, we must all win. We must keep this friendship/relationship. It forces us to engage each other in the interest of keeping rather than of spiting each other and feeding our egos to be more montrous.

Preservation. That word alone, has gotten my relationship to where it is today. Even relationships with associates and friends whom I never thought I could stand at all - that I just had to walk. But with preservation, it all is there today. And most of it is not just there, but is shining too.

So when you go to war. When you pick up those warring arms. When you walk into that bloody warzone - be it in your marriage, in your relationship with the VIPs of your in your life, set the ground rule (the underlying rule and compass) as that of preservation. You may be amazed by the results. I wish I had shared this with my buddy before he went with the drastic decision of destruction. But he is yet to inform of his misfortune.

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"Judge of a man by his questions, rather than by his answers." - Voltaire