Preservation grows better relationships
I was having a great time in the village with my kids and the wife and my parents. It was fun and fulfulling. But one thing that lingers on in my mind even in this strange hours of the night is an unsettling mention by my father. As we circled the fire for some warmth, he mentioned that a buddy of mine has just divorced. He married a mere 12 plus months ago. I'm talking youth couple here. And being in a youth marriage, something like that concerns me - especially if it hits so close to home.
I married young. I was 24 and my wife was 22. It was exactly a year ago (yesterday). And it was ironic that my father's mention coincided with the eve of my marriages anniversary. With that in mind I did some serious thinking about what I have to do in order to avoid the misfortune that miscarried my buddies marriage.
Everytime I think of my relationship with my wife, or with anyone of prime and platinum importance in my life, I think of preservation. Everytime I have a shortfall in my relationships, I always tell the other party that "fine, we have to do this. Fight and all that is. But let the ground rule. The guiding principle be one. That whatever craziness comes of the fight. However ugly it turns out to be. We must agree that this relationship is being preserved. That after the war. After the fight. Preservation prevails. The relationships must still stay. Then let's go. Round one please.
And surprisingly, we would fight knowing that at the end of it all, we must all win. We must keep this friendship/relationship. It forces us to engage each other in the interest of keeping rather than of spiting each other and feeding our egos to be more montrous.
Preservation. That word alone, has gotten my relationship to where it is today. Even relationships with associates and friends whom I never thought I could stand at all - that I just had to walk. But with preservation, it all is there today. And most of it is not just there, but is shining too.
So when you go to war. When you pick up those warring arms. When you walk into that bloody warzone - be it in your marriage, in your relationship with the VIPs of your in your life, set the ground rule (the underlying rule and compass) as that of preservation. You may be amazed by the results. I wish I had shared this with my buddy before he went with the drastic decision of destruction. But he is yet to inform of his misfortune.
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"Judge of a man by his questions, rather than by his answers." - Voltaire
8 comments:
i too am sorry that your buddy didn't get to hear this advice before the decision that was made.
Izz, i have to tell you, this is so profound at this moment. it such an elementary rule but you put is so ... profound. i certainly will subscribe to it. especially with family you know - it's necessary for all of us to embrace this. it can certainly prevent a lot of heartache and pain.
the one thing though is that one just has to decide whether or not the relationship is worth preserving... cause sometimes people reach the end of their path together and there is nothing to preserve anymore.
but that doesn't take away from the brilliance of this concept of preservation you brought up. cool bananas.
I like your thoughts, and from reading this, I am not worried that you will end up divorcing Izz. My parents have been married for more than thirty years and despite frequent arguments, they are each others' second halves. There's a thing my dad has always said about relationships: "People are so concerned about being 'in love', but in fact, it's the background spent together that really counts over the years." So keep working on that relationship, form into "one" instead of two, and you'll see that in a few years, that background will mean so much to you.
Thanks for sharing by the way!
Greetings,
Ishtar
Missk, you're right. There are some relationships in which at some point, the fights have gone on so much. The much so unsurmountable and unbearable that one has to avoid being hacked to death by the other (ok, I'm exaggerating but you get my point). And at that stage, it is the time where one says there is nothing to preserver like you are saying. But the basic principles should be that let us try to preserve it.
Ishtar, it's hard at time in this matters, but those who have a burning desire to succeed to find ways to make it through. And success they do find. I wish for the many of my generation to be like father and dad and have a background to count back on. One they have been making deposit into that is. I intent to take on that advice you giving me. Thanks for the tip.
Ultimately - it all comes down to that- relationships with the people around you - with your family, mother-in-law, friends, teachers, students, the girl in the OK shop, the beggar on the street, fellow bloggers etc ...
and I think all one needs to do is - practise and figure out what makes people happy (not easy - but can be done) ...
- I must say - I have done an excellent job with the girl in the OK shop - we practically live there :) we know everyone in the shop and the kids get presents - whenever they go there :) I must've done something right ....
You got married quite young but am sure for the right reasons. I pray u live to a ripe old age with ur wife there by ur side.
Thanks for dropping by my blog.
mm that's deep...
I have married young. And I will work on it daily to insurance it. I like preservation for it's profoundness africainement. Hopefully, i'll always get it right.
Nice post. I came across this blog through your comment on another blog. I get sad too when I hear of marriages with so much promise breaking up. If only many more people will take their vows to heart and work to preserve them.
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